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This post is not my best in any way…I’m tired but I can’t seem to pass out because of the worries in my head. Bear with me and maybe something good will come out of all this.

The idea has run through my mind these past few months since I’ve graduated that I’ve devoted far less time to doing the “important” things in life than I have to thinking about them. What does that mean? Mostly that I stress and stress and gnash my teeth at stuff for days on end in prep for the actual event, and when it happens I’m not prepared in the slightest for whatever’s going on because I spent potential practice time freaking out. How does one get out of this? I haven’t the slightest, but I know thinking about it will stress me out more. “This is not the way life is supposed to be lived,” something in my head tells me, but I don’t know what else to do right now.

I need a job…I NEED a job. DJing has been paying the bills, but each month finds me cutting a little more from each check to pay part of this bill down and part of that bill off. It’s like I’ll never catch up…but if I don’t live like this, I have no option but to go and live with my parents again (THAT IS NOT AN OPTION BECAUSE I LIKE MY FREEDOM AND MY OWN SPACE TOO MUCH!) I can’t see myself living with them again, feeling like I regressed from college back into high school, into middle school, back to the world of menial chores, lack of free time, up at 6am to do all manner of stuff I hate, no people to hang out with, no girlfriends over, hammered-down, laid out repression ALL OVER AGAIN. I can’t hack that now…can’t live behind bars when I’ve seen the endless horizon up close and personal.

Right now, I have two things I’d like to do in my mind. They are the following:

  1. Get my life in order, and
  2. Find a job.

There are so many sub-headings under both of those categories that just thinking about them makes me wanna throw up and die; regardless, I know that they need to get done.

I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE’S NO WAY TO DO EITHER OR BOTH OF THESE THINGS WITHOUT A PAINFUL REALIGNMENT OF MY LIFE THAT MIGHT KILL ME!

I mean, I finished school in December and have basically been jacking around for the past two-and-a-half months avoiding the reality of my world under the guise of “taking a well-deserved break from years of school”…more like taking a break from life and the responsibilities it brings. My parents call and ask me all the time what I am doing with myself, and I tell them, “Relaxing.” “Chillin.” “Sleepin in.” Honestly, most of these past three-ish months have blown by like summer usually does, except with far less pay. I’ve spent them in my apt surfing youtube or Wikipedia, occasionally riding my bike (if the planets are in alignment, and if the weather isn’t too cold, windy, wet, or otherwise crappy out), being painfully lonely, and formulating grandiose ideas on what I wanna do “when I get a job and have money”.

Looking back a few months, getting laid off from ICASA really really REALLY kicked me in the teeth. I mean, I thought I had that mess on LOCK! I had projects to work on that had my name written all over them: something out at Playas, ongoing improvements to internal projects, and the like…and getting dropped in the middle of ALL of that really made me feel like a year-and-a-half worth of work for them was for naught, absolutely pointless. YES, the economy is in a bad way. YES, I put all my eggs in that basket and neglected to look elsewhere when I had a chance to do so, because I got lazy and thought the glue holding my hopes together was unbreakable. The checks quit coming and I supplemented my income by working on cars. I did the job(s) for Amanda, asked for a ton of DJ assignments, got my income tax refund, and then made a mistake by flying out to see a friend for Valentine’s Day and totally splurging and living WAY outside my means when I could’ve (and should’ve) been saving that cash for a rainy day like…well, now. (The mistake was not SEEING you, dear, it was being unrealistic with myself and what I had, and I have been kicking myself since I returned.)

Things will get better…but right now, they seem so bad.

Church in the AM so I’ll call it quits for the post. Much love to all.

 

_Nick

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