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Category Archives: Life

My life in general.

Blink…blink.
Rain pounded the double-paned glass window.
He waited for her to arrive, for the door chimes she’d made him for Christmas to softly sing sibilance to his ears as she cracked the door.

Worry, held back by a lifetime of patience, started to seep through his cracks. He whispered, “Chanel, it’s been three hours…” and watched the red numbers change again. “She’d call if things went south. She’d call.”

Four blocks. Only four blocks.

Her pulse thudded so hard she could feel it behind her ear…right where he would kiss her.
The thought of his lips pursed there gave her a kick as she stared forward at the next foot of asphalt she’d have to drag her body through. Those bastards who’d beat her had left her to die. They thought they had her good, breaking her back like true thugs, cowards who lived at the point of a blade and walked its edge every day. They’d brought a bat and hit her when she wasn’t looking, after she’d taken three of them down and was working on the other two. She questioned if her back was down for the count or just dazed and confused, like the first time she’d snuck a pull on that wicked brew her older sister got from a friend at school. What I’d give for a whiskey sour with a twist right now, she thought, and resolved to keep it moving.

“Those damn punk-asses. I’m coming, Buck.” Such words from a woman raised by a devout Quaker mother and a father hard as flint. I’d gladly eat soap today, Mom and Dad, she noted as she pressed on to her home, pushup-style. “Just like walkin’…one step at a time. Go…go…go….”

 

His hairs pricked up as he heard the noise. It was as if something was slithering through the muck outside, a big dog creeping around or maybe an opossum lost in the dumping rain. Curiosity and a need to douse the worry-flame within made him go to the door and look down the street to where the sound originated.

“God…no.”
He saw the phantasm-shape crawling toward him a block away, unbidden memories of childhood fears he’d worked months to overcome lest being heckled by teen friends, till he saw it was her.

His love, broken, pulling herself through shards.
His other half, crushed, trying to get home to him in the middle of a monsoon.
His china doll, left to die, returning like a boomerang in slow motion to where she started.

Chanel.

What do you want for your birthday, son?

I want a train and a truck, daddy
a train to go fast, just like you
and a truck to move the dirt, to build a mountain as tall as you are

What do you want for your birthday, son?

I want a video game like all the other kids have
and to go to the roller coaster and the water slide
let’s watch the big splashes and hear people screaming

What do you want for your birthday, son?

I want a bike that can take big jumps and a telescope
so me and my best friend can build ramps and ride
all the way to the stars

What do you want for your birthday, son?

I want a girlfriend, dad, to take on a date
someone told me they kiss really good if they like you
I think they’re lying, but I’m up for trying

What do you want for your birthday, son?

I want a fast car, dad
maybe I’ll catch a hot girl if I drive fast enough
drive fast enough to escape my fear of rejection

What do you want for your birthday, son?

I want a job, dad, so I don’t feel so worthless
so I don’t have to make up excuses for friends anymore
why I can’t take a lady out to dinner

What do you want for your birthday, son?

I want you and mom to get back together again, dad
for things to be like they were, happy faced
before you showed me the wrong way some things are done

What do you want for your birthday, son?

I want a girlfriend, dad, to kiss and hug and take on a date
maybe even tell her I love her (after sufficient time, of course)
we can give the world a child, so I can ask him,

What do you want for your birthday, son?

He lived in a place lit by the flicker of the flame within,
the fire fed by a woman’s smile, shuttered by the quiet pull
of the blinds he refused to loose.

She lived next door, looking out from time to time, shooting glances
at the man who lived within himself.

She smiled
He waved

It was as if a mirror had made their souls reflect away from one another,
as if a black hole of separation had dug a hole through space-time
to permanently sever hope of a connection between the two.

She smiled
He turned away, unable to smile back.

On the fortuitous day, that, like many others, started off gray,
he eliminated Einstein, stomped Schrodinger, hauled Hawking’s particles away

Filled the black hole to otherwhen,

Walked across the row

And loved her.

I’m in a place where light shines and vanishes—

somewhere in a corner of my mind where the perfect SHE exists.

This is not a place dominated by

loneliness

anger

love

It’s merely a place where two people will meet and throw caution to the winds.

As I walk toward her, she extends her arms to me and whispers my name.

Sand buoyed by her breath reaches my humidified skin and dries it of all the

sin

anger

frustration

I’ve lived with since I saw her last. I want to grab her and see if she’s real.

But no one could be as good as this one, so pure and broken, so full and empty,

hidden yet bursting from the shadows like a black-veiled flame.

The fruitless search

the heartless rejection

the painful truth of it all

as my apparition sinks back into the sand and scrub of the earth, leaving me

with one question:

Will I ever find what she means to me?

This post is not my best in any way…I’m tired but I can’t seem to pass out because of the worries in my head. Bear with me and maybe something good will come out of all this.

The idea has run through my mind these past few months since I’ve graduated that I’ve devoted far less time to doing the “important” things in life than I have to thinking about them. What does that mean? Mostly that I stress and stress and gnash my teeth at stuff for days on end in prep for the actual event, and when it happens I’m not prepared in the slightest for whatever’s going on because I spent potential practice time freaking out. How does one get out of this? I haven’t the slightest, but I know thinking about it will stress me out more. “This is not the way life is supposed to be lived,” something in my head tells me, but I don’t know what else to do right now.

I need a job…I NEED a job. DJing has been paying the bills, but each month finds me cutting a little more from each check to pay part of this bill down and part of that bill off. It’s like I’ll never catch up…but if I don’t live like this, I have no option but to go and live with my parents again (THAT IS NOT AN OPTION BECAUSE I LIKE MY FREEDOM AND MY OWN SPACE TOO MUCH!) I can’t see myself living with them again, feeling like I regressed from college back into high school, into middle school, back to the world of menial chores, lack of free time, up at 6am to do all manner of stuff I hate, no people to hang out with, no girlfriends over, hammered-down, laid out repression ALL OVER AGAIN. I can’t hack that now…can’t live behind bars when I’ve seen the endless horizon up close and personal.

Right now, I have two things I’d like to do in my mind. They are the following:

  1. Get my life in order, and
  2. Find a job.

There are so many sub-headings under both of those categories that just thinking about them makes me wanna throw up and die; regardless, I know that they need to get done.

I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE’S NO WAY TO DO EITHER OR BOTH OF THESE THINGS WITHOUT A PAINFUL REALIGNMENT OF MY LIFE THAT MIGHT KILL ME!

I mean, I finished school in December and have basically been jacking around for the past two-and-a-half months avoiding the reality of my world under the guise of “taking a well-deserved break from years of school”…more like taking a break from life and the responsibilities it brings. My parents call and ask me all the time what I am doing with myself, and I tell them, “Relaxing.” “Chillin.” “Sleepin in.” Honestly, most of these past three-ish months have blown by like summer usually does, except with far less pay. I’ve spent them in my apt surfing youtube or Wikipedia, occasionally riding my bike (if the planets are in alignment, and if the weather isn’t too cold, windy, wet, or otherwise crappy out), being painfully lonely, and formulating grandiose ideas on what I wanna do “when I get a job and have money”.

Looking back a few months, getting laid off from ICASA really really REALLY kicked me in the teeth. I mean, I thought I had that mess on LOCK! I had projects to work on that had my name written all over them: something out at Playas, ongoing improvements to internal projects, and the like…and getting dropped in the middle of ALL of that really made me feel like a year-and-a-half worth of work for them was for naught, absolutely pointless. YES, the economy is in a bad way. YES, I put all my eggs in that basket and neglected to look elsewhere when I had a chance to do so, because I got lazy and thought the glue holding my hopes together was unbreakable. The checks quit coming and I supplemented my income by working on cars. I did the job(s) for Amanda, asked for a ton of DJ assignments, got my income tax refund, and then made a mistake by flying out to see a friend for Valentine’s Day and totally splurging and living WAY outside my means when I could’ve (and should’ve) been saving that cash for a rainy day like…well, now. (The mistake was not SEEING you, dear, it was being unrealistic with myself and what I had, and I have been kicking myself since I returned.)

Things will get better…but right now, they seem so bad.

Church in the AM so I’ll call it quits for the post. Much love to all.

 

_Nick

All right. So I have a ton on my mind and I feel that a nice, open, don’t-give-a-crap freewrite is in order. Here goes…and hang on.

All done, and I am now worth nothing. Or at least I make nothing worth anything. Strange that my first few weeks out of school find me unemployed and broke as a chandelier in an earthquake. “Find a job,” they say, and I look…nothing’s close by. It would be great to have a job here in town or even in ABQ so I can live rather cheaply and save money up for my student loans and other expenses…but it’s not looking so hot in that area now. Plus I am really really REALLY lazy and not going to school/doing real work has me the most relaxed I’ve been in a while (as long as I don’t think about job hunting, that is).

All this lazy time allows me to think about things…what I want for myself in the future, what I want to be doing as a career, who I wanna be with while I go for my goals. I’ll try to address them in any order I think fits.

I’m not sure technical writing is in the cards for me…I mean, I’m pretty good at it, and I am qualified by an accredited institution of the state of New Mexico to state that fact. I just…I can’t see myself doing something that keeps me inside (getting whiter and whiter ) all day long. I can’t do that with my life…I LOVE being outside and catching life in the act. Whether in photographs, via video, or simple observation, I love to both watch life happen and really be a PART of living in this vibrant world we have been given. So many things going on 24/7/365…I wanna be a part of it all!

Thinking about being a part of things makes me really contemplate the changes in my life I need to make in order to make these potential career choices come true. Let’s see if I can list the following out:

  • I’d like to have a place to call home wherever life takes me.
  • I want a woman to love and cherish and break down on…a best friend who I can trust with everything, one who will catch me when I’m slippin, who will push me to try things new and unknown.
  • My hobbies (though many…I know I gotta get rid of some of them) are what help to keep me sane. Maybe one of them can land me a “real job” somewhere.
  • I want—no, NEED—to get back in shape! Both sides of my family have histories of severe diseases that can be kept at bay by good amounts of exercise and a healthy diet. Sometimes I feel like my bike just sits there and stares at me, saying, “RIDE ME!!!” while I give myself other distracting things to do. If I really tried, I bet I could be in the best shape of my life by my birthday.

Finally, women. WOMEN WOMEN WOMEN…such lovable women. I want them all (to a degree). My good friend Emilia aptly labeled me fickle; she is usually right about how she brands people she knows.
For the longest time, I have been seeking a woman with qualities that mesh with me well. I’ve been looking for a woman who is smart, kind-hearted, sophisticated, and gorgeous in my eyes, one who will push me when I need pushing, and who will not take any crap I dish out. All the women I’ve spent time with while seeking this “ideal” have had pieces of the pie (some more than others), but only a few have come close to running away with my heart in their arms. Some don’t even know how much they mean to me…if they asked, I would tell them numbers that would rival the national debt in size J Why do they have to be so far away?

Ok, done. Freewrite closed. Call back later.

 

_Nick

It’s visible

The plain attraction from him to her

The way she smiles can shatter his grasp on reality.

Her scent, nascent and barely there

Straightens his neck, cranks his eyes back and across

The field of dreams where he runs, dizzily contemplating

A perfect flower’s birth.

Her skin, butter-soft, yet firm with tone and care

Bades his flesh come.

Her voice, untouched by the ash and haze of humankind’s gloom

Speaks of angels, beauty, mystery, and ecstasy.

She tastes like honey happiness, deep brown chocolate, the purest nougat

Always fulfilling, never full.

 

His desire runs rampant

Like a beast in the forest, pursued by dogs, hawks, and men

Intent on its destruction.

Dodging obstacles, spanning chasms, and climbing cliffs in its path,

The need of any end spurs the flame to great heights

Where at once it is extinguished with the same word used to control destiny:

No.

 

But he’s been wrapped, boxed, and bowed! Does she not see what’s been given on this holiday,

A night like any other, yet different in content?

Untie the bow, remove the box, and unwrap the bundle. What do we have here but

A freely-given, like-new

SOUL! One offered to share and be shorn naked for all to see its flaws, its cracks, its sheen that needs polishing.

One placed in the pile of unfinished business, the I’ll get to its, the maybe laters.

 

She is not some Hera or Aphrodite

She is a woman, yes, and special it makes her

But she is not perfect

Yet he loves her

He is not perfect

Yet she shuns him

Places the gift back in the wrapping, boxed up, and bowed

Once again, a gift on the doorstep of a nameless she

Who will regift and return to sender.

Here’s a list of the new wrinkles I gained in my brain today:

  • Fast food is ALWAYS bad for you, regardless if it smells great
  • Mom’s cooking was always amazing
  • Dad’s grilling matched up to it
  • Family is a terrible thing to neglect
  • Balance and symmetry are beautiful
  • Angles yield to curves
  • Dancing is one of the most intimate forms of contact we humans can have
  • I will never, ever, ever understand women or the effects they have on the male half of our species.

The TV screen is blank I stare at the world around me and wonder WTF is the deal why do I hurt why did I hurt her how can I fix things…too many pies that have had my hand in them now lie rarely used on the side of my journey’s road I wanna get to and do all of them at once without my fingers hurting as I type this noise out but fear enters the equation and skews things to ends untold.

I RELEASE YOU, FEAR! Into the world you go to cause pain, terror and anguish to untold billions, with the fraction of a small percentage being able to rise above you and conquer you, make you their lapdog. All others are bound to you, bound in your grip of iron-sulfur pain, the delicate writhings of blood coursing through your veins, on your hands, on your soul. You frighten me and make me sick, for I asked to live in a world without fear, and was denied with a stamp that showed I was found unworthy and sent home to repack my things and get my life in order.

The boxes remain sealed, the drawers remain empty.

No one moves on without moving.

I do miss her still. Wouldst thou leave my thoughts and fly into yonder star? Thine actions would bring great relief to my soul.

I RELEASE YOU, FLAME! Out into the world you go, to live happily on the arm of another, doting, praying, smiling, and dying with the one of your choice, feeling the warm body of love and kindness next to you…something which you were loathe to accept from me. Run toward the yellow-peach light of bounty, pride, forgiveness, and satisfaction—run as fast as you can toward the new day, the sunrise of your life you’ve seen coming when I was timezones behind.

I AM READY, DESTINY! Ready to seize my own future with a deathgrip, willing to abandon myself to the track I was set to follow, and able—through training, experience, and luck—to burn into the mad streetrace of life and pump 900 horsepower of BADASS through my pipes.

Goodbye, fear. I am no longer your puppet.

Goodbye, flame. I wish you the best and wish you no more.

Hello, destiny. I am ready to rock.

I wrote a song last night
The lyrics about them
The people in my life, that
Fill my heart with rippling dissonance.

A verse apiece to salve my mortal wounds.

First, the elders of my soul.
They teach me the bright path of truth,
The one destined for greatness and salvation, early in my youth
Then turn around and slash it to bloody ribbons
In front of my eyes.

Next, the kin and kith.
Those whose eyes looked up to me with trust and admiration
I have failed again, again, again
The bright eyes now tarnished to a dull gleam by age and experience
None too happy, some too sad to mention
All along the watchtower, snipers hold the red dot
On our hearts.

Finally, the fists in velveteen.
One pulls, another pushes, a third sobs in outrage.
They never seem to see the point
I just want to love and be loved.
Are your veils opaque?does beauty make you blind?
Can you not see a good thing when it looks you in the face?
Te amo, te amo, pero por que correamo?

I’ve waited too long to pick the strings
Haven’t listened hard enough to hear the sounds
Of a small cry in the wilderness, saying, “Come home”.

Lately, I’ve been seeing a local girl, but as of yesterday, it seems that the kindness and semi-attraction she showed me were all a farce.
I had really high hopes for a relationship with this girl: she was smart, beautiful, good with cars and my family, and a helluva dancer….but the negative quality I never saw (while others did) was that she was a player of the highest order; a savant of mens’ heartstrings. Yes, some of us guys do feel deep feelings and were not brought up to repress them.

Aaaaanyway, I digress. Back to the story.

Our history has been shaky at best. She’s attended school with me for a long time, but it’s been only recently that I’ve let myself out of the dark long enough to make serious approaches at anyone. She was with a few acquaintances of mine, hopping back and forth among them like a locust among the leaves. I blew into her pile, and while she used me as a perch for a while, there was no love lost for me when she leapt to the next falling leaf.

In real-people-speak, this is what happened:

I started attending swing dance on Thursdays on a whim, and found many reasons to keep coming back. The instruction and dance itself was intoxicating; I felt the bonds of life being taken off my shoulders while I was in that room, learning, fumbling, and finally getting a turn right under the watchful eye of one dance pro or another. She
lit the floor up as she spun, her dress trailing behind her like a shadow veil.

I was hooked…and I had no choice but to ask her to dance. Through the summer weeks that followed, I became more confident in my swing skills, while the attraction I felt to her grew exponentially stronger. We started hanging out regularly and going on in-town dates, and I thought this might blossom into a new relationship between us.

A little bit before school started, she asked to meet me at a park in town in very cryptic terms (“…I’d love to talk to you, if you have the time. Something really important” and the like). I obliged. It was a gorgeous day in late summer, and I felt that nothing could go wrong that day.
It turns out that another ladyfriend of mine who I have a crush on (and who is prolly crushin on me too, but I can only handle one lady at a time please!) ended up cornering the girl I’d been dating and firmly told her to be kind and not break my heart, as she and others cared about me deeply. I was touched by this; no one had ever shown care of that manner to me before, and I said a silent thank-you to the lady in the wings.
The park visit turned into a conversation of what we had going for us, and how she’d like to take things. She asked me to take it slow, and I told her that I preferred doing it that way from the start. She seemed relieved, and our conversation turned to ordinary things.

Fast-forward to around a month later (last week ish). I planned a dinner at my place for just the two of us. The menu was set to be seafood and asparagus, simple yet well made. Then I contracted food poisoning followed by strep, killing the Friday dinner plans dead. I asked her to raincheck it for a week while I healed up, and she agreed.
I was at work the following Wednesday night. Between song requests, I checked up on facebook, and it was there that the last four days’ downward spiral started. She wrote me of (just-remembered) prior plans to be in Albuquerque on our rainchecked date. I was kinda pissed, but it needed to slide. I shot her a message about moving the dinner date to Saturday or Sunday, and received a firm no as a response, as she had made plans for the weekend. That darkened my mood further, but I resolved to chin up and make the best of this situation. “Guess what?” I told myself. “I can work on the car all weekend and get it working well again!”
A good friend needed some emotional support Friday night, so I suggested we head out to the Stage Door and catch a munch. The friend and I arrived at the restaurant, and started talking about the various topics of stuff that bugged us (consisted mostly of things about our “significant others”, as she had just been dumped, and I was in uncharted waters with my lady). About half an hour into the conversation, who but the lady I was enamored with walked out from the back room on the arm of her “special friend” who I had met once previously and about whom I had suspected a deeper connection with my enamorata. Here, we four entered into the classic awkward situation: my good friend, sitting across from me, frozen still in the motions of “OMG” and “quick! Look who’s here!”; the “guy friend” chillin out in the background, and eyeing the situation with a sort of disinterest; my interest, whose eyes were locked in an embarrassed/surprised/”oh shit” sorta manner; and myself, who managed to continue the phone conversation I was in (helping yet another friend out in Houston), munch my food, glance at my good friend at the table with a nonbelieving look, and wave a very fake-looking hello complemented with a smile only God could have turned sincere.

They left, and I wanted to sink through the floor in pain and anger. “So she gives me all this noise about having plans in ALBUQUERQUE, and where do I find her? Sitting around locally with this guy I’ve met before that I know is in love with her! WHAT-THE-FAAAACK!” I scream-whisper to my friend across from me. Damn, that hurt!
This morning, I checked my facebook as usual. Guess what? She had a “magnificent time” with her “sweetie” (coming from a girl who wanted to take it slow, what the hell can this mean except she wanted more time to play the field) last night with the movie-and-a-dinner. Man, words sure get to me.

She could be being totally honest, could’ve gone to a movie up in ABQ early and ate dinner back down here late. She could really have plans for tonight and tomorrow.
Her actions, though, just don’t line up. I’m done with her. Goodbye, good riddance, and I hope you get what you want, flame in the wind.